At the request of His Eminence the Prime Minister, and on behalf the entire British nation, arrangements are underway to confirm the sainthood of Margaret Hilda Thatcher, the Blessed Leaderene. Taking into consideration the exceptional circumstances of her magnificence, dispensation has been given to reduce the usual fifty-year waiting period following the death of a Public Servant so that the cause of Beatification and Canonisation can begin immediately, heretofore wherewithal notwithstanding.
A memorial service will take place on Wednesday next at the Cathedral of St Paul, to be attended by the great and good of our generation, at which the Heroic Values and Miracles of Dame Margaret will be jointly celebrated. Her body will be borne through the streets of London on a gun carriage, with attendants from the Armed Services in attendance. Ceremonial dress should be worn. The scheduled episode of Homes Under The Hammer will be rebroadcast at a later date.
In preparation for this Event of National Importance, an atmosphere of respect and deference will be engendered across the populace through supportive messages in the national media. It being inappropriate to speak ill of the dead, especially on this occasion, the Establishment deems it necessary that no ill shall be spoken. A campaign of hate and vilification will be initiated against those expressing contrary opinions in the public arena, especially those found guilty of purchasing a 51-second clip from a 1939 Hollywood musical. Thoughtcrime will not be tolerated.
At this time of national mourning, it is only right that our thoughts turn to the issue of Permanent Remembrance. A number of Projects of Permanent Remembrance have been proposed, and these will be taken forward over the forthcoming weeks and months under the tutelage of the True Blue Memorial Committee. The following proposals are amongst the many Projects of Permanent Remembrance under mandatory consideration.
Statue of The Iron Lady: Much debate has already taken place regarding the most appropriate location for a statue of Baroness Thatcher. Many have proposed using the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square, where all of our nation's most important military leaders are commemorated, and which would place Our Lady at the site of her most glorious Poll Tax triumph. Some have proposed a site in Parliament Square, overlooking the House of Commons, while others have suggested erecting a 300 foot statue at Canary Wharf amongst her dearest financial partners. It being impossible to decide between these excellent schemes, all three will go ahead.
Margaret Thatcher International Airport: When London's much-needed fourth airport is finally opened on a mudbank in the Thames, it is only right and proper that it should be named after Britain's first woman Prime Minister. Heathrow's days are surely numbered the day this competing airport opens up with rebranded runways. Flights to and from Ronald Reagan National Airport will be offered at half price, in gracious tribute.
Corby Steelworks Theme Park: To fully understand Margaret's deep-seated legacy and how she changed our country for the better, a permanent exhibition will be opened on the site of Britain's former manufacturing base. Exhibits in the main hall will include a full-size recreation of a sold-off council house, a collection of Margaret's favourite hats and an actual genuine disused furnace. Budding young entrepreneurs will be able to rack up state assets in the interactive game "If you see Sid, tell him", whilst even the smallest visitors will enjoy patting the sheep at Port Stanley Farm.
May 3rd Holiday: In honour of Margaret's accession to power in the General Election of 1979, the Early May Bank Holiday will be adjusted to fall on the Third of May each year. If May 3rd should fall at the weekend then bankers will be allowed an alternative day off, but public servants will lose out on a day in lieu and rightly so. It is expected that the day will begin with maypole dancing. Should the BBC dare to schedule The Wizard of Oz somewhere around teatime, its licence fee will be terminated.
Royal Grantham Regis: In respect for nurturing the greatest Prime Minister since Winston Churchill, the town of Grantham will be appointed additional ceremonial status through the double extension of its name. In addition the Roberts' former grocers shop on North Parade will be awarded National Treasure status, and a small cafe opened within selling ice creams and third-of-a-pint bottles of milk.
Finchley Aerial Park: In an act of collective art, all the rooftops of Finchley will be painted blue, and a Sky News cameraman will be sent up during a Spitfire flypast to take a commemorative photograph.